Sitting on my North End roof deck, watching the sun set over the Garden, sipping a John Daly (a take on the Arnold Palmer: lemonade and sweet tea vodka), I got to thinking. Miami nightclubs already have a drink named after LeBron James. Kentucky bars have a shot named after John Wall, and he only spent a year there. How come Boston doesn’t have signature drinks named after its high-profile sports personalities? Enlisting the help of Boston’s best bartender, Sarah Pemberton, we came up with five cocktails every Boston establishment should add to its menu.

THE LASER SHOT (a.k.a. The Dustin Pedroia)

1 oz. Patrón Silver
1 fresh lime slice
Squirt of Frank’s RedHot Cayenne Pepper Sauce

Combine tequila and juice of one lime slice over ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake well. Strain into a shot class, and add a squirt of Frank’s RedHot.

This shooter is like The Laser Show himself–compact and fiery. The Patrón gives a nod to the second baseman’s 2008 Silver Slugger Award, and the squirt of Frank’s RedHot obviously reflects the 5-foot-something Red Sox star’s impassioned personality.

THE SHPNOTAQ (a.k.a., The Shaquille O’Neal)

3 oz. Hpnotiq
0.25 oz. Midori
0.5 oz. sloe gin
3 crushed mint leaves
Dash of Sprite

Combine Hpnotiq, Midori and crushed mint over ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake well. Pour over a tall glass of ice, add a dash of Sprite and float the sloe gin over top. Garnish with a cherry.

A tall of drink of (not) water, this cocktail won’t cost much, and it can only help you rebound from that Game 7 hangover. Finding ingredients that end in Q is never easy, so the Hpnotiq is a natural fit. The Midori adds some Celtics green, and the mint is the next-best thing to a clover. Despite the aged legend’s sluggish pace (hence the sloe gin), we hope he’s still nimble (like the sprite).

THE SUPER BOWL (a.k.a., The Bill Belichick)

4 oz. Gale Force Gin
4 oz. ClearHeart Vodka
2 oz. Pusser’s British Navy dark rum
4 oz. Bacardi 151 over-proof rum
4 oz. Bacardi Silver light rum
2 oz. Blue Curaçao
2 oz. sour mix
6 oz. Hawaiian Punch
12 oz. Nantucket Nectars Pineapple Orange Guava

Fill a tiki bowl with about 20 ounces of ice. Add liqueurs. Mix in juice, top with sour mix and stir well. Makes enough for 3-5 people.

This concoction exposes your weaknesses. It’s 40 ounces– like you’d see a homeless man in a cutoff sweatshirt drinking. The gin and juice come from Belichick’s adopted home of Nantucket. The Bacardi Silver and Blue Curaçao add Pats colors. The vodka puts a twist on the Friday Night Lights “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” mantra. The Hawaiian Punch represents his two Pro Bowl coaching stints. He’ll surpass 150 regular-season victories this year, hence the 151. The sour mix reflects Belichick’s ever-present sourpuss. And the dark rum recognizes his father’s contribution to the Naval Academy.

THE BLACK ‘N’ GOLD (a.k.a., The Milan Lucic)

1 oz. black rum
1 oz. gold rum
0.5 oz. Chambord
Dash of Canada Dry Ginger Ale

Combine rum and Chambord over ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake well. Strain into a tumbler, add a dash of ginger ale and garnish with a yellow twist.

This drink will pull your sweater over your head and knock you out. Share a hat trick of these with a lady friend, and you’re definitely scoring. The combination is simple: the Bruins’ Black & Gold, a taste of Lucic’s home country (the ginger ale) and an appreciation for his slamming of people into the boards (the Chambord).

THE BIG O (a.k.a., The Glenn Ordway)

4 oz. stout
4 oz. Arrogant Bastard Ale
0.5 oz. Glenfiddich
0.5 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream

In a pint glass, pour the stout slowly over a spoon to float atop the ale. Add the scotch and Irish cream to a shot glass. Drop the shot glass into the beer and chug.

Warning: This drink may cause you to talk over people, and it’ll stay in your mustache for hours. It’s a take on the Black & Tan, neither of which represents Glenn. But The Big O is admittedly stout, and he gets called “a fat bastard” by a handful of callers a day.

I’m not sure which is worse: that the country of Togo sent a fake soccer team, or that Bahrain only beat the faux Togo team 3-0. And isn’t all soccer fake by the way?

Welcome back to “Name that Tweet”–the game show where everybody’s a loser (including the host)! If you didn’t catch the first or second episode, here’s the deal: An athlete or celebrity posted the following 140-character thought on his/her twitter account over the last week. It’s your job to figure out who produced these Shakespearean efforts.

1. “I can’t believe September is here, crazy! This is always my favorite time of year, I’m lovin’ it ”

– Landon Donovan or Queen Latifah?

Landon plays for the Galaxy, kicking balls. Latifah is as big as a galaxy, kicking rhymes. Donovan reportedly fathered a child out of wedlock, but I’m guessing Queen isn’t the mother, since she, ahem, lives with a personal trainer named Jeannette.

Answer: Click here.

2. “We lost our first game Cowboys?!?!?!?.I have carpet burn!”

– Martellus Bennett or Jessica Simpson?

They’re two of Tony Romo’s favorite tight ends. Romo dumps Simpson the night before her birthday, and he dumps it to Bennett on Sundays. Martellus gets carpet burn from the Cowboys Stadium turf. Jessica gets carpet burn from, well, use your imagination.

Answer: Click here.

3. “how good of a job was it for the guy who just talked in a deep voice in all the boyz 2 men songs?”

– Andy Roddick or Jennifer Hudson?

Roddick dates Brooklyn Decker, and Hudson eats double-decker sandwiches. Roddick smashes overhands, and Hudson smashes cheeseburgers. OK, OK, enough fat jokes. How about this: She took home an Oscar for Dreamgirls, and he just takes home dream girls.

Answer: Click here.

4. “Who watched the VMA’s? How funny was the little intro skit? Restraining orders never stops me! LOL”

– Terrell Suggs or Kim Kardashian?

Both legitimately have experience with restraining orders. Terrell had one taken out on him; Kim took one out on a stalker. Oh, and they’ve both been on top of Reggie Bush.

Answer: Click here.

5. ” Yeahhhh the bears won, I might do a superbowl shuffle. Haha”

– Danica Patrick or R. Kelly?

Both Illinois natives, these two have a ton in common. As a NASCAR driver, Patrick is a girl among men; meanwhile, Kelly is a man among girls. Danica dresses up and poses for Go Daddy, while R. makes girls dress up, pose and call him daddy. Kelly recorded “Trapped in the Closet”, and Patrick just might be trapped in the closet? They’re practically the same person.

Answer: Click here.

Thanks for playing again, folks. Two more terrible Twitter puns this week: If you got four or more wrong, you’re a Twignoramus; if you got four or more right, you’ve got Twisdom. Until next week, and, as Ron Burgundy said, “Stay classy” New England!

Extracting information from Bill Belichick is kind of like trying to remove an Asian swamp eel out of your butt: Deadly. So, we’re going inside the mind of the Patriots coach as he responds to real (dumb) questions following the Week 1 win over Cincinnati …

How happy are you for Wes Welker after he worked so hard to get back?
BB: I’m happy for Wes. I’m happy for the whole team. I’m happy for everybody.
BB’s brain: How happy am I? That’s like asking Clay Aiken, “How straight are you?” Have you ever been to any of my press conferences? I’m never happy.

Can you talk about the young cornerbacks and the game that they played today?
BB: We had our moments. They had theirs. I thought it was a good, competitive battle.
BB’s Brain: They played great. They shut down T.O. and limited a pretty loaded passing attack, but like you said, they’re young, so I’m not going to blow smoke up their a**es. In fact, I’m going to rip them a new one in the film room.

Did you get a good look at Brandon Tate’s return for a touchdown?
BB: I think I saw enough. He’s done that before. He’s a good runner, good with the ball in his hands, and it looked like he was close on at least one other one.
BB’s Brain: I was too busy braiding Tom Brady’s hair. Of course I got a good look at it. In case you haven’t noticed, I have pretty good seats. They let me watch right from the sidelines. I’m surprised you haven’t seen me. They show me on TV all the time.

Was there a little bit of the element of the unknown on defense coming into this game with so many rookies?
BB: Again, we’ve had over 50 practices, and this is our fifth game. Yeah, I mean, we’ve got a lot to learn. There are a lot of things we can do better and all of that, but at the same time, we’ve been doing those things for a quite a while with the same people.
BB’s Brain: News flash: I’ve been around football since I was taking dumps in diapers. I’ve got a pretty good grasp of what my team is capable of doing. We have these things called practices and preseason games, where we throw an oblong brown object around. I get to attend those, too.

Were you encouraged by how they communicated out there and worked together?
BB: We had our moments. … There were some other things that we need to work on and improve on–no doubt about that. It was far from perfect; it was no Picasso.
BB’s Brain: What am I, a preschool teacher? Hold on a second while I go give them all gold stars and pats on the back for communicating and working together.

Not that you didn’t see it in the 50 practices and preseason, but did Devin McCourty show you anything else today, and maybe live up to his first-round draft status?
BB: He’s very professional going about his job and being prepared and playing good technique and really trying to play the responsibilities of the defense. He’s been like that all the way. He’s still got a lot to learn, but he’s done a good job for us.
BB’s Brain: I drafted the guy in the first round of the NFL Draft. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I had an idea he could play football. I watched every down he ever played in college. The only time I could possibly ever see anything new from him would be in the showers, and that’s not gonna happen.

What, if anything, did you learn about your team today? You’ve said that going into the season opener you never really know.
BB: We’ll see how it goes next week. We’ve got other challenges: going on the road and playing a different type of team with the Jets. We’ll give it a few games here and see how it goes. We learned a little bit today, but we won’t even be in that situation next week.
BB’s Brain: I don’t know if I learned anything, but I think Jon Gruden did. Isn’t he the one that said we were overrated? There’s a reason I’ve won three Super Bowls, and there’s also a reason that Jon’s been out of a job for the last two seasons.

Regardless of your political stance, you’ve gotta admit one thing: George W. Bush’s first pitch in 2001 dominated Barack Obama’s first pitch in 2009. It was like Sandy Koufax vs. Heathcliff Slocumb. It’s difficult to imagine that W. ever got a standing ovation. At any time during his presidency. Anywhere in the world. Especially New York.

(tip of the cap to onemansjunk.tumblr.com)

Welcome back to “Name that Tweet”–the game show where everybody’s a loser (including the host)! If you didn’t watch the first episode, here’s the deal: An athlete or celebrity posted the following 140-character thought on his/her twitter account over the last week. It’s your job to figure out who produced these Shakespearean efforts.

1. “RIP Tupac. 14 years later, and we miss you more than ever.”

– Terrell Owens or Spencer Pratt?

These guys are definitely “2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted”. I can see T.O. pumping Tupac through his headphones before playing against on Sunday, but I’m having trouble picturing Spencer blasting “When Thugz Cry” before he does whatever he does on Sundays (probably worshiping the devil).

Answer: Click here.

2. “watched some footbal on the precor…was going to skip the gym but went for it…I’m not doing anything but relaxing the rest of the day!”

–Floyd Mayweather Jr. or Ryan Seacrest?

It’s the battle of the Pretty Boys. Floyd knocks people out in the ring, making a boatload of money prancing around the mat. Seacrest knocks people off of American Idol, raking in a ton of cash just plain prancing around.

Answer: Click here. 

3. “Sitting pool side in Maui getting a foot rub who wants to trade places with me”

– Paul Pierce or Paris Hilton?

They’ve both earned a foot rub. Pierce has appeared inside the lines of an NBA court 985 times, and Paris has appeared inside a courtroom for blowing lines approximately 985 times. At the Buzz Club in 2000, Pierce was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck and back. In House of Wax In 2005, Paris was stabbed once, directly in the face.

Answer: Click here. 

4. “The devil is at work tonight bothering me about my music in my room where i pay the bills, my music is low as hell, playing Joss Stone”

–Chad Ochocinco or Lady Gaga?

Ochocinco’s outrageousness includes too much clothing, while Gaga’s outrageousness includes too little clothing. Neither of the names they’ve made for themselves are their given monikers. Chad went from the ordinary (Johnson) to Spanish gibberish, as Gaga went from Italian (Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) to baby gibberish.

Answer: Click here.

5. “i just got another part in a big movie , stay tuned for details. I’m so grateful to still have opportunities at this stage in the game.”

–Mike Tyson or Bob Saget?

Fifteen years ago, just as Saget was wrapping up his stint on Full House in 1995, Tyson was wrapping up his stint in the Big House. As Danny Tanner, Saget had to feed three children. Meanwhile, as Iron Mike, Tyson wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ two children.

Answer: Click here.

Thanks for playing again, folks. Two more terrible Twitter puns this week: If you got four or more wrong, you’re a Twidiot; if you got four or more right, you’ve got Twingenuity. So long everybody, and, as Truman Burbank said, “In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!”

I’ve always wondered what it would be like if our lives were set to soundtracks — kind of like the “Foxy Lady” scene in “Wayne’s World.” After a tough day at the office, “Take this Job and Shove It” might play throughout the building. Or you walk into the bathroom, and R. Kelly’s “Blow it Up” could start blaring. Then, I thought, what would someone like Roger Clemens’ soundtrack be? It goes a little something like this …

1. “Blame it on Texas” by Mark Chesnutt
TIME: 1977-84
LYRICS: Blame it on Texas. Don’t blame it on me. I am who I am, and that’s what I’m gonna be.
SCENE: Everything’s bigger in Texas. Even a**holes. I’m convinced Leonardo DiCaprio planted the “grow up to be a pompous blowhard” seed in Roger’s head Inception-style at some point between his graduation from Spring Woods High in Houston and his 1983 College World Series victory at the University of Texas.

2. “Rocket Man” by Elton John
TIME: 1984-96
LYRICS: I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I’m a rocket man, rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone.
SCENE: Remember when we liked Roger? Doesn’t it make you feel like Fergus from The Crying Game after he discovers Dil’s dill? With the Sox, he won three Cy Youngs, struck out 20 batters … twice, thought he was a chicken on The Simpsons and got in Ishmael’s face for mowing another man’s lawn in Kingpin. Not too shabby.

3. “If I Don’t Stay the Night” by Mindy McCready
TIME: 1990
LYRICS: There are many ways I want to love you, but only when the time is right.
SCENE: At this point, Roger started spending quite a bit of time with “close family friend” Mindy McCready, because it’s totally normal for a 28-year-old Major League Baseball player to hang out with a 15-year-old blonde from Florida. I’m sure they were just discussing their favorite My Little Pony episodes. Nothing to see here … move along.

4. “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails
TIME: 1996
LYRICS: As your time is running out … you can find a better a place in this twilight.
SCENE: Following failed contract negotiations, Dan Duquette uttered the famous “We had hoped to keep him in Boston during the twilight of his career” line. Come to think of it: Was this the inspiration for the terrible Twilight series? I mean, it is about a guy who chases a 15-year-old girl.

5. “Blue Jay Way” by the Beatles
TIME: 1997-98
LYRICS: And I’d really like to go … here in Blue Jay Way.
SCENE: After expressing his desire to play somewhere closer to home in Texas, Roger of course signed with Toronto. Apparently, by “somewhere closer to home” he meant “wherever they offer me $40 million.” I know I always confuse my apartment with a giant pile of money.

6. “Shoot ‘Em Up” by Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony
TIME: 1998, 2000-01
LYRICS: What, did you think I’m scared? Shoot, shoot, shoot ‘em up, shoot ‘em up, shoot ‘em up.
SCENE: Any time a strange guy tells you the solution to your problems is bending over and shooting something into your butt, you’ve gotta do it. Especially when that strange guy looks like Brian McNamee. Is that a steroids needle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

7. “Two Timing Woman” by Johnny Cash
TIME: 1999-2003
LYRICS: She blossoms in the spring, but then she’s gone in the fall. A two timin’ woman with a heart of solid stone.
SCENE: Just to make sure nobody in Red Sox Nation would ever root for him again, Roger joined the hated Yankees, becoming the first person in history to look fatter in pinstripes.

8. “About to Rage” by Government Rule
TIME: 2000
LYRICS: Time to discover what’s really, really, really right instead of what makes us feel strong. Blood is on your hands, but it’s what the part demands. The storm’s about to rage.
SCENE: As if drilling Mike Piazza in the head with a fastball earlier in the season wasn’t enough, Roger decided to throw a splintered bat at the Mets catcher in the World Series. I wonder why he was so angry at Piazza. Either he hated mustaches, or he loved steroids.

9. “Mama, I’m Coming Home” by Ozzy Osbourne
TIME: 2004-06
LYRICS: Times have changed, and times are strange. Here I come, but I ain’t the same.
SCENE: For somebody who hates carrying his own luggage, Roger sure likes to travel a lot. It only took him 20 years to get closer to home. Houston, we have a problem: anabolic steroids. On the bright side, he captured his seventh Cy Young Award and led the Astros to the World Series.

10. “Might as Well Get Juiced” by the Rolling Stones
TIME: 2005
LYRICS: If you really want to have you some fun, spit right down on everyone. If … the wheels of life are passing you by, you might as well get juiced.
SCENE: Jose Canseco isn’t normally one to name names, but in an out-of-character move he threw Roger under the bus in his best-seller, “Juiced”. The Rocket may have denied steroid use, but he might as well have been wearing those little shorts that say “Juicy” on the butt.

11. “Gone Again” by the Indigo Girls
TIME: 2007
LYRICS: Every dog don’t got it’s day, if we take the love we’re given, and we throw it all away.
SCENE: Roger returned to the Yankees midway through the season–just in time to watch the Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years. At this point in his career, his stamina wasn’t what it used to be. After all, steroids do shrink your testicles.

12. “Sixty Minute Man” by Billy Ward and The Dominoes
TIME: January 6, 2008
LYRICS: If you don’t believe I’m all that I say, come up and take my hand. When I let you go, you’ll cry, “Oh, yes, he’s a sixty-minute man.”
SCENE: After his 60 Minutes interview, Roger had me convinced he never took steroids. It was my only logical conclusion after he spent the entire time avoiding eye contact, fidgeting around, getting defensive, deflecting the subject and chugging water like Wade Boggs pounds Miller Lites.

13. “I Fought the Law” by the Bobby Fuller Four
TIME: February 13, 2008-present
LYRICS: I needed money, ’cause I had none. I fought the law, and the law won.
SCENE: We may not have learned much from Roger’s testimony to Congress that earned him his indictment, but we learned one thing: he’s awesome at making up words. We can all benefit from the term “misremembered”: “What do you mean you asked me to have this report on your desk by Friday? Boss, I think you’re misremembering.”

The announcer couldn’t be more right when he says, “Sonya Thomas, as elegant as ever!” Because nothing says elegant like eating 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes. I have so many questions after watching this video. How does somebody who weighs 105 pounds beat Joey Chestnut? Why doesn’t Chestnut just eat the Black Widow? And wasn’t there already a Black Widow in pool? Sonya Thomas needs a new nickname, like The Nutcracker.

One more reason never to live in Philadelphia: The Naked Bike Ride. If you haven’t already been dissuaded by those awful Southwest Airlines commercials (“there’s a lot, a lot of culture here” … “It’s like a baby New York!”), try avoiding a thousand nude people riding their Huffys along the Schuylkill River. And trust me–it’s nobody you’d ever want to see naked. Remember, this is a city that prides itself on cheesesteaks. There’s no hiding those rolls. By the way, a bike seat causes me enough trouble when I’m fully clothed, nevermind when I’m wearing a tiger-print thong. Um, I mean …

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to “Name that Tweet”–the game show where everybody’s a loser (including the host)! Either an athlete or a celebrity posted the following 140-character thoughts on their twitter account over the past couple weeks. It’s your job to figure out who produced these Shakespearean efforts.

1. “In the last year I’ve spoke at Harvard, Stanford, Oxford, and Wharton Schools of Business.. Today, I debate Skip Bayless on ESPN !!!”

– Lance Armstrong or MC Hammer?

I can see how you get the two confused. Lance built Livestrong into one of the world’s most powerful fundraising efforts, slapping his organization’s moniker on everything from t-shirts to tea kettles. I’d be shocked if they didn’t make Livestrong thongs. Meanwhile, MC built himself into one of the world’s most powerful fund-blowing efforts, amassing $13 million in debt and filing for bankruptcy. So, naturally, they’re both perfectly suited to shape the minds of the world’s brightest business students.

Answer: Click here.

2. “So.. caught up on Trueblood las nite.. Not a fan of how they get u hooked with the 1st 2 seasons then bring on a barrage of homosexuality”

– Todd Herremans or Chamillionaire?

When I’m watching True Blood, I’m often wondering, “What do Todd Herremans and Chamillionaire think of this episode?” I can picture them now: the 6-foot-6, 321-pound Philadelphia Eagles offensive lineman from Michigan and the 5-foot-nothing, 100-and-nothing rapper from Houston cuddled up on a couch …

“Excuse me, Chamillionaire, can you please pass the popcorn?”
“Absolutely, Todd. Would you perchance like a refill on that soda pop?”

Answer: Click here.

3. “I got 5k for whoever see @ihatekatstacks and slap the shit out her pigeon face a**. Real talk. U f***ed with the right one now”

–50 Cent or Carmelo Anthony?

Fifty has been shot at least nine more times than I have. He’s made his bones with upbeat lyrics like, “If the roof on fire, let the motherf***er burn.” And his Twitter rants make Mel Gibson seem like Mr. Rogers. You’d think Melo would steer clear of threatening women, considering he’s entering a contract year. But I wouldn’t put it past anybody who’s tried to transport their weed in a backpack through an airport.

Answer: Click here.

4. “im gonna be ok just need 2 rest but i wanted all of u 2 know i never want to let any of u down. ever. i really appreciate all the kind words”

–Justin Bieber or Serena Williams?

Even with the bum ankle that kept her out of the US Open, Serena Williams would beat the hell out of Justin Bieber, right? She’d pull her “I swear to God, I’m f***ing taking this ball and I’m shoving it down your f***ing throat” routine. After all, Bieber had to reschedule a recent concert because of throat trouble. True story.

Answer: Click here.

5. “Last night was stupid… 35k at Haze… Totals 50k something the whole day. Damn!! Going to the pool again today … Gotta relax!”

–Marcus Jordan or Brody Jenner?

They’re both heirs to … well … air. Marcus is the son of Air (Michael) Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever. Brody is the son of airhead (Bruce) Jenner, the greatest procreator of reality TV stars ever. Both kids blow more money in a day than most people make in a year. I smell a Tom Brokaw book: The Greediest Generation.

Answer: Click here.

Thanks for playing, folks. If you got four or more wrong, you’re a Twimbecile. If you got four or more right, you’re Tweinstein. And that’s enough with the terrible Twitter puns. So long everybody, and, as Bob Barker said, “Have your pets spayed or neutered!”